Sister Next to A Mother

Who would've known that staying at my sister's place, even for one day, ultimately because I need someone to take care of my baby for a day, would have make such a big difference to me. Despite the long drive to get back here after work, I could say that I quite enjoy the driving alone, although I could only think of my baby's waiting for me at home. At least I had some time on my own, and for a minute or two, I got to organise my thoughts, planned few things, and put several things into a better perspective. 

Anyway, I was saying that staying at my sister's place has always been like a short getaway for me. I've done it few times, usually to get a massage. I noticed that ny head felt light after each visit. I guess since my mom's not here anymore, everything that I need to share, I share with my sister. And her input, less cushioned but nevertheless always rings with truth, enlightened me quite a lot. Sure, I could've shared and asked my friends who have been moms for years, but still, a sister is next to a mother, in my case. So I am grateful to have such a great sister. Thank you god, for lending me a great support system. 

I'm making a mental note to at least come and stay here once a month and pray that god will grant me with rezeki to repay my sister's kindness.

Love,

Random (4)

It is so surprisingly easy (for me) to feel things when someone else share their stories with me. It is so easy for me to emphatise with the one sharing, to be able to put myself in their shoes and imagine how that would feel like. And so, it is also easy for me to be bothered by their problems, usually for days, I'll just keep on thinking on ways to ease their hardship or pain. I often forgot that sometimes people share just because they wanted to be heard. They just want to pour their heart out, and tell someone their problem. Usually though, I won't give advice unless it is asked. Because you see, people just want to hear things they want to hear. Unless they really do need an outside input. Most of the time, they've already had their mind set on one thing, they just want to hear what others would think about it.

Anyway, since it is so easy for me to feel whatever that you are feeling, it become so hard for me when I don't have someone else to do the same for me. My inside is now equivalent to a bottle of coke, shaken, and with just a drop of mentos, would blow up. Thus I decided to fend off all of those other mentos that had nothing but negative effects on myself. Getting off all social media platforms would be the first step. I guess I just need to mend myself on my own.

(It's just, it would feel nice if there's someone that can actually emphatise with me that's all hence why I started to write back in here, I just want someone to read and or listen to my rambles)

But oh well, I've been like this since forever I'm already on my autopilot mode. I'll just brace through the stupid emotional storm and keep going on.

:)

Love,

Square One.

It's funny how life, would somehow brings you back to where you started. It's the same cycle, over and over again. How do I even break this cycle I'm in now, I don't even know. I'm currently in a cycle where everything is not as what I expected, people I thought have changed, surprise surprise, didn't change. And I keep on pushing through, trying to make do, counting every single good thing and blessings, every day. I have to keep reminding myself, tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will be different. But once tomorrow becomes yesterday, I will once again lay in bed, thinking, oh damn, it's still the same. I guess if I change my mindset, things would be different. But that's old news. I am as volatile as I can be. Flexible to the very core of me. But why do I feel like I'm playing the victim game here? Or am I a victim? I surely don't want to be one. 

Still, life goes on. There's this little bundle of joy, my ray of sunshine, despite giving me thousands of reasons to be worried about, he gives me the most joy. My highlight of the day. Now I know I am grateful to have him, I know he is and will be forever the center of my life, but I can't shake off this feeling that I am still the rotten, broken, shattered, glued together person inside.

All in all, the one thing I can do now is keep counting on my blessings. And put my trust and faith in god. For I know he knows better.

I pray that he will gives us strength and courage to always do what's right and to go on living our life.

Love,

Forgotten

You must have forgotten that I am still here.

A place where I pour everything inside and pretend I never did.

A place where once I held so dear.

But now like an abandoned garden; all flowers had long wilt.

I used to frequent this space.

Like a rich king I was before; nailing out my heart content, proudly parade.

But not now, now it's  more like a guarded place.

Nothing shall pass easily out the gate.

You must have forgotten that I am still here.

Seldom have I myself come and decorate.

Holding back everything inside me so close, so near.

Everytime I tried to pour them out they said "not now! Not until you are dead!"

"Because nobody cared" they will silently add.

Dan.

Dan nanti bila mereka tanyakan pada antara kita, jadi bagaimana?
Maka jawabkan, sudahnya jodoh tiada.